Nicholson Baker

“He said, ‘We’re professionals. I know it may seem a little strange to you that we don’t have pants on.”

“I said, ‘Well, it’s not a bad thing, really.’ Then he said, ‘Uh, we’re going to have to perform a secondary. Would you like it in private or in public?’

“I said, ‘Well, what are you going to do?”

“He said, ‘Well, we have to check your tits and your nipples, make sure you’re not concealing anything in your undertit area, and we’re going to have to inspect your mouth with our dicks to be sure you’re not concealing anything in your mouth area.’ ”

“I know, and I said, ‘What the hell?’ And he said, ‘Of course we’ll perform the search very politely, with full consideration of your privacy, blah blah. But we’ll probably have to ask you to ease open your tight crotch hole so we can check what you’ve got down there, too.’ ”

“And as he said this I looked down, and his cock, which had been uninterested up till then, seemed to be doing a strange loopthe-loopy thing. It had come alive. I said, ‘Give me a break, Mr. Airport Bag Check Man.’

“And he said, ‘You know how important national security is.’ And then he called out to one of the other security guys, and the two of them took hold of my elbows and steered me into a room that said ‘Official Business Only.’ I knew I was in trouble then.”